I MISS YOU

just wanna say

...i miss you...

i really hope

i just hope that you can share with me all your thoughts and feelings. i want to know when your feeling down and when your upset. When your irritated i can tell. When your not happy i can feel it too. I really just want to know what your feeling and i need you to be honest with me. I saw that you were unhappy just now and i just wanted to know why. Why couldnt you just let me know? I didnt want the day to end like that. I was so touched you came down to have dinner with me but from the moment i saw you i knew something was wrong. Tried throughout 'dinner' to get you to talk but you keep telling me nothing's wrong. Then Jos tried to be concerned but you scolded him. He don't know you well so he won't know whether you mean it or not. Some people can get offended very easily. Luckily he took it well. Baby, please do tell me if your feeling unhappy or irritated because its important to me. Don't keep it all to urself pls?
PLease call me or sms me after you see this.
Good luck for your exam. You will do well i believe it.

Missing you...your dear.

I know im in the wrong again~

I shouldnt have shouted at you yesterday.
I shouldnt have scolded you at the slightest thing.
I shouldnt have lost my temper every now and then.
I shouldnt have bullied you when im in a foul mood.

I should have put myself in your shoes.
I should have consider your feelings before saying anything out of my bloody mouth.
I should have apologised before you left.
I should have held on tight to you and say "i love you" when we were on our way to bus stop.

I just wanna say how sorry i am. I know it's all my fault and you've already been very tolerant with me. Dear, please dont refused to pick up my calls cause it simply hurts too much. Dear, please dont ever say you wanna be alone cause it simply tells me i cant give you happiness. Dear, please dont ever say you still love me when you just disappear like that coz it doesnt mean anything. Dear, i seek your forgiveness and hope you'll call me once you've read this entry...

Dear, i am sorry... I wont do that again... Really.

Ps: By the time you read this, guess im already waiting for you right at ur void deck~

I'm sorry Darling~

I love you. And so i decided to trust you again. I dont mean to say things that are so harsh and hurt you so deeply. But i hope you can understd my disappointment too. Im so sorry to have hurt you through my words and actions... Sorry.

I want a long term relationship with you. I want to spend my precious time with that special someone who will spend the rest of his life with me. And from what i see, i feel that you are so pressurized and controlled by me that you cant breathe... And you gave me the feeling that being with me you are not happy and cant lead ur own way of life... That's why i initiate the break-up. I dont want to see you looking so pathetic staying in this relationship... Just dont wanna waste your time on someone who is trying to tie you around your neck... Im sorry~

I really dont mean to control you lidat... Smoking is bad for ur health and seriously i really cannot stand the smell of cigarettes... But if somtimes once in a while you really need a stick you can talk to me. Im not that unreasonable afterall lor. But when it comes to clubbing, im more concern because clubs/pubs are very sophisicated with sophisicated people... i dont want my boyfriend to go there and get "polluted"... especially with all the girls out there... Or in other words, im afraid to lose you...

I agree with you. Love and trust come together. Without trust, there shall be no more love or meaning in continuing a relationship... And so i want to trust you again. I want to believe in you and pin hopes on you once again. Read through the smses you sent to me when i wanted a break up the first time, and your promises melted me once again. Since you said all you need is time, and want me to give you time to proof everything to me, i will grant your wish. Cause i love you and i believe you can do it. I will trust you all over again. Promise.

Vice-versa, i want you to tell me even before you do it. I dont want to wait till i find out myself or see it with my own eyes. That kind of feeling is some sort of being "betrayed". I will feel disappointed as well. So please do tell me. I may get unhappy or even angry if i feel that it is unaccepted. But i hope you know im not that unreasonable. And if you ever do things without telling me, i hope you do confess to me. I will appreciate that. And since you agreed to my expectations this morning, there is no reason for me to not trust you again.

I wanna be with you and build a stronger relationship with you. I love you and i will trust you. Meanwhile, i will keep my temper in check. Im sorry dear...

i can never trust you again?

these words. saying these words to me is tantamount to saying we will never get married and should end this relationship right now. Why? So many love songs have been written on this! How can a couple stay together if the trust is gone? HOw can two people who love each other EVER say to each other these words? Love equates to trust. Love without trust is nothing. Listen to wang lee hom's 'trust' please.
I trust you with my life, baby. The only way for you to lose tat trust is for you to be unfaithful to me. I told you about my ex-gf before. The first time she was unfaithful to me, i forgive her and trusted her whole-heartedly again. When all signs of he being unfaithful to me surface again (sms, phone calls, going out with guys), i still trusted her. WHY? cause of love. I may be stupid. I may be the biggest idiot ever. BUt trust to me is as important as love. I cannot say i love you without saying i trust you. She only really lost my trust -- and heart -- when she was unfaithful the second time. Once THAT trust is gone, so would be the relationship.
Is that what you are implying now my baby? That everything is over bec you cannot trust me again? BEc i smoked without telling you? Bec i stayed on to club without telling you? Is that how HIGH your threshold for your trust was to begin with? I'm disappointed. These were the exact words you said that affected me so badly that night. These are worst words to say than 'lets break up' for these words to me mean

'Sorry. I can never really love you again.'

we have time on our side..

focus not on wanting everything to be perfect. We are two seperate people with two contrasting personalities. Some of the differences between the two of us are so diverse we 'quarrel' often because of them. Sometimes you might think or i might that we are too different to be together. Why shouldnt we just seperate to make things easier?
The answer is cause we love each other.
I love you is cause enough for any couple to stay together. Those three magical words can bind two totally different people from all walks of life, religion or culture together. Regardless of how other people feel, as long as the two of us believe in the love we have for each other, as long as we hold on to that faith borne by love, we will prevail against any obstacles.
But the trick here is to believe and never give up on hope. Without hope is a faith worse than death. Baby, we will struggle through all bad times together. Compromise is the key. I know you have big problems with me clubbing or smoking. I urge you not to be so spartan about it. Please be flexible. I on my part will be honest with you about my cravings or if i feel like going clubbing. I was wrong to have not informed you when i stayed. I should have told you when i wanted a cigarette. BUt i also knew you would be mad at me even if i told you first. I want your understanding baby. I promised i will quit for you and i am on the fast track to that. I promised i will cut down clubbing for you and i am also working hard on that. Just one in the past month. Just 5 sticks in the last month. Thats quite something im sure? I know i have had my weakness these past few days but I ask for your forgiveness for that and future understanding on my road to complete independence from nicotine. We can work things out with understanding and compromise. I urge you really to think about compromising on whatever issues that wil come by later on in our relationship. Giving up is really not the way to go. Encountering and solving problems TOGETHER wil only make our relationship stronger and i'm sure thats something both of us want right? I want to be able to discuss things with you honestly, openly. I do not want to have to fear upsetting you if i say something wrong. I like to make jokes, you know that, cause i like to make you laugh. I love it when u smile. But its hard for me to make jokes when im afraid that my jokes will upset you. Please baby, do take my jokes with a pinch of salt as they are just jokes, they do not mean anything seriously. When we are having a serious conversation and i make unnecessary jokes, do scold me and i will accept it. But when we are having fun the jokes are just for fun!
Baby, lets work on this relationship together ok? Please dun give up so easily again ok?

I love you.

I am damn angry!!!

i can trust you no more.

9.30pm u called and said event finishing soon and u were going home. said reached home call me. and so i waited till 12am.

there were no news of you so i called to see if you were ok. but guess what?! i heard that ur backgrd was so noisy and asked you where you were. And to hell surprise you said you were still there!!! Anger was oredi building up. and then u came up with an excuse that u were staying to build Personal Relations!!! Bloody hell~ with who?!

the call ended cause there was no reception and the line went off. i waited for your call but then you din even call me back! can u imagine how fuckin pissed i was?????

Fine. and so i went to bed waiting for ur sms at least when you reached home since you said you would call me when you reach home. But just now when i bloody woke up, there was not even 1 fucking sms from you! i cannot trust you anymore. i cant help but keep thinking wat have you been doing for the whole nite. i cant help but imagining who were you with for the whole nite. i cant help but guessing if were even home for the nite!

called you but no answer. sms you but no reply. we are suppose to go out today. guess you've clean forgotten abt it eh? you were suppose to tell me the time and venue. you were suppose to confirm the timing with me last nite. you were saying sumthin like 11 am didnt you? and guess wat? look at the clock now. it shows bloody 10.04am! and i dun even know where the hell are you!

tears juz welled up uncoontrollably. ive lost hope. ive lost my trust in you.

i lost the battle. you win.

Im feeling insecure...

im feeling insecure...

beginning to feel so affected by little things you do...

little things you said...

little gestures you did...


feel so uneasy and upset when i cant see you for a day... guess being able to see you everyday has become part of my life... and i dont know why am i feeling so damn insecure now... haiz... going insane...

Regret Quitting?

"argg...why i quit smoking!! i needa cigarette now.. %&*(%(%#$)^)!"

This msn nick of yours just pricked my heart for a moment~ I dont know why...

These few days keep hearing you say you "gian-ing" your cigarettes and stuffs i really have enough. If you really love smoking so much, then dont quit for goodness sake. I dont want you to go around telling other people you quit smoking for me as if i forced you to. Everythin i do, i do it for you. I want the best for you. But eventually the choices are up to you. Nobody can force anybody to do things against his/her will. including me. From now on, i wont care anymore. Whatever you want to do, or feel like doing, just go for it. I give up.



Signing off with a ^HeArTaChE^

its ok

its ok baby...i understand what your going through now and i wil not blame you for feeling this way. As long as you know what im doing is for the best for both of us and u understand, i'm more than happy already. Things are looking so rosy for us now. I will do nothing to spoil it. :) baby i'm so excited that we are going to work together -- for motorola and cisco -- for there is nothing sweeter than sharing the same interests as well as working in the same industry. I understand that you may not share the same interests in my line of work but i just hope that you can help me till you find a proper job. At least when my school reopens i don't have to worry about funds so much. With your help, im confident we can set things on the right way. Baby, i'm so proud that you got your song selected and you'll be performing it! Its a good start and hopefully it will signal for better things to come. I'm also excited that your gonna graduate soon and will be earning big bucks. You wil be getting all the things you have always dreamed of very soon. We are transitting into adult hood now. This relationship, i feel, is more than ready for that transition. We are financially independent --at least soon you will be -- and we love each other a lot. We share similar interests and we know what compromise means. Most importantly, we have teletubby. We can keep this relationship going strong. I'm just so excited about the future -- our future...

I can't say i love you enough times....

baby...I'm so proud to have you by my side...

I'm sorry

I really didnt want to react this way. Not that im not happy that you are open about your past to me... in fact, im more than glad. But i hope you understand that it is normal and uncontrollable for me to feel upset about it... I really didnt want to. I cannot control... and like that i am also feeling terrible lor... Haiz...

I will be ok. Just need time to "digest"... I will be fine when the sun rise tomorrow... Thanks for opening up your past to me... i appreciate it. My reaction is only for the time being. I will be alright. Dont worry.

Actually im glad this incident does upset me. At least it shows that im really in love with you, really love you, and you are important to me... As i said, tomorrow will be a better day.



Love you all the same,
Your baby

I love you Dear

Many times, i wanted to say that to you, especially when you are not around. However whenever i look into your eyes, i just couldnt say them out though they are already choking me right in my throat... and finally that night i decided to say it right into your face no matter what... and so, finally i got the courage to say that to you~

Went for blood test today and i really hope everything is a false alarm... I really hope both of us are perfectly fine. In 2-3 weeks' time, the truth shall be revealed. I hope when that day comes, we can still laugh and joke together and stay happily ever after... Im sure this incident has brought us closer and our relationship is getting stronger each day~

Dear, my feelings for you are growing stronger each passing day... From developing a liking for you, till falling in love with you, till now that i love you... I never thought it is possible for me to say that 3 words to another guy ever again... and it's for the first time, that i find it so hard to say out... Guess the phobia of falling in love again is indeed too great... but im glad that eventually i told you~

Tomorrow is our 3rd week together. And only 3rd week. Yet i feel like we've been together for a very long time... Like "old husband old wife" haha! Anyway, wish u a HAPPY 3RD WEEK and hope our love will grow stronger and will remain strong~



I love you, my dear~

Im more afraid than anythin else~

I just cannot hold my tears anymore. All i can do is burst out crying. Though it's not confirmed yet, i think most probably it is.

Alot of questions keep popping out from my mind. Why izit me? How did it happen? How did it happen out of a sudden? I'm bombarded with all these questions till i cant take a breather now. i really cannot imagine how is my life going to be like from now onwards... coz i may be a useless girl from now on...

im scared. im afraid. im paranoid. im frightened. im depressed. im upset. im lost. im helpess. im hopeless. im distressed. im lost at words. im totally lost now. ..lost..

i dont wanna be a burden to anyone. dun wanna be a burden to u. dun wanna be sumone so useless. How i wish everythin will just be a nightmare. And when i wake up tml, i can juz sweat and tear knowing everythin's juz a dream...

call me pesismistic or wateva. im a saddist, remember? Aquariusaddist.

im just afraid...

i dont want to find out what it is. I don't want to know what caused them. I just hope they will go away. If it worsens and i have to cut it off, i rather do that then find out whether it was your fault or not. I am afraid to discover that we caused it. Making love is so much a part of us as the love we share. If we have to stop it because of this, then i rather not find out what it is at all. I rather bear the pain rather than the agony of not being able to kiss you passionately in our naked embrace.
dear...i love you. I really don't wan to know. I just want things to carry on like it is . I just want us to be able to make love like before. It will go away i'm sure. Don't worry about it. Its going to be ok. I believe it...

Dear i need you...

I need you to take care of me. Need you to spend time with me. Need you to talk to me. Need you to accompany me. Need you to love me, dote on me, pamper me. I simply need you for whatever reason you can think of... I just need you...

I will recover soon because i want to take care of you. i want to recover not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I know you will go through this tough phase of my life with me, and so i strongly believe i can do it...

Dear, im leaving school very very soon. Lessons are ending after this week. Next week will be my last study week in school and after that will be my preparation for my final and last exams in NP. I cant bear to leave school. Cant bear to leave you. Cant bear to leaev those memories behind... Haiz~

I know no matter what we still have to face reality. I really want to spend all my time with you while im still in NP. But recently all the projects, assignments and exams are coming up. And i really feel so guilty not able to spend as much time as i would want to with you. Im sorry dearie. Guess i cant help it, but i've already tried my best...

Miss your hug...
Miss you...

please take care of yourself...

I can't be there all the time dear. When your home you got to take care of your health. You have to tke the medicine, take the vitamins and sleep earlier. Without psysical health your mental health wouldnt improve too ok? In my heart you will always be there so i'm never alone. Believe that for yourself too. No matter where you are, i'm always there so don't worry so much ok?
cause when your worried and you start to get emotional and sad, i feel that too. Rem, cause our teletubby strong, i can feel what u feel...
mucks

please take care of yourself...

I can't be there all the time dear. When your home you got to take care of your health. You have to tke the medicine, take the vitamins and sleep earlier. Without psysical health your mental health wouldnt improve too ok? In my heart you will always be there so i'm never alone. Believe that for yourself too. No matter where you are, i'm always there so don't worry so much ok?
cause when your worried and you start to get emotional and sad, i feel that too. Rem, cause our teletubby strong, i can feel what u feel...
mucks

Im Sorry Dear...

I realli didnt know what exactly did i say that hurt you just now on our way to Dover. Im really sorry for hurting you in anyway. I promise i will make you happy ok? Im really sorry dear...

Know you are disappointed that you didnt get into the auditions but hey! Never give up ok? I will always be supporting you no matter what! Remember this k? Jiayou~ You can lose in competitions, but never in confidence. Cause once your confidence level drops, you will never do well... So honey, don't be dishearted. You have me by your side to cheer you up no matter what happens. Promise.


And here i would like to say something...


Sometimes over msn you may see me getting unhappy or even over the phone... it's because im thinking too much and feel neglected... I know you did nothing wrong or whatsoever. It's just typical me. Sometimes when im left alone for some time, or when you didnt reply to my messages or sms, i will think alot and set myself in depression mode. I will get upset thinking that im left alone and i hate that kinda feeling and that's when i begin to sigh and get upset. Guess i just cant help it. It's one of my flaws. I cannot bear the fact that i cant hear your voice or see you for more than few hours. I will just feel so strange and down when you are not around... I know you've got your work to do, too. I'msSorry. But it may just mean that i need your attention, assurance, and comfort...

I really miss you alot dear...

Haiz... there i go again~

dont worry.

Dont worry if im upset sometimes. Its just a normal reaction to somethings u say which hurt. I understand that you have to let it out, and since i'm your boyfriend its natural u complain to me. Don't worry i will be there to listen to you when u need me. I'm your best friend as well as your boyfriend.
Don't worry if my face goes black cause no matter how unhappy i am,
the stimulus to make u happier than me will always be there.

I love you baby.

More two weeks to come.....

Happy 2nd Week

Dear:

Happy 2nd Week~

Hope there'll be more 2nd week to come... and never will it end~

Your Baby

Miss you